HALDIR TAKES A VACATION
by krystal lazuli
Summary: The March Warden of Lothlorien decides to take a vacation.


TITLE: HALDIR TAKES A VACATION

Enter Haldir, that oh-so gorgeous hunk of male elf-kind. While protecting the borders of Lothlórien from evil villains, most notably lions and tigers and bears (Oh, my!) our glorious march warden became bored. Well, let's face it, how long could you sit in a tree watching mallorn leaves fall, listening to dwarves who breath loudly and combing out tangles in your hair. So, he decided to take a vacation. Placing the duties of **securing and protecting **the borders into the hands of his inept brothers, he went to human resources to request a vacation. Upon reaching the proper office, he took a number and proceeded to wait his turn.

"Now serving number seventy six," the calm, cool voice announced over the P.A. drowning out the **sharper sounds** of the crowd in the waiting room. Haldir looked down at the slip of paper in his hands and groaned. "Six thousand five hundred nine? You have got to be kidding me!" He jumped up and approached the receptionist's desk. "Um, ma'am? Did I really hear you call out only number 76?"

Popping her bubblegum, Glóriel looked up from her portable television. Her jaw dropped as she saw the glorious looking elf standing at her desk. Was this really Haldir? Protector of innocent babes and not-so-innocent she-elves? Nah, it couldn't be she thought. "Yep. You heard right mister. Now, sit down. You are interrupting my favorite soap opera," she replied.

"But, I want to go on a vacation," He whined.

"Yeah, you and about five thousand other elves. What do I look like? Vacations 'R Us?" Rolling her eyes in complete exasperation, she **counted to ten** before reaching down and selecting a form. "While you're waiting, you can start filling this out," She passed the form over the desk to him.

Haldir looked at the form. Sure enough, it was a vacation request. He read the instructions carefully. Returning to his seat he picked up a pencil and began to fill it out. "Okay, 'Name', hey that one is easy," he scrawled 'Haldir' in the blank requesting his name. He continued to complete the form until a shrill ring pierced his sensitive ears. Glancing up, he noticed Glóriel answer a telephone on her desk.

"Oh my gosh!" Gushed Glóriel. "Murien! You will sooooo not believe what, I mean who came in today. There is this dude who looks just like Haldir, sitting in our reception area," she looked up with **a sly grin** to see if he was still sitting there. "Sure. He's still here. I think he's got number like five or six thousand-something; he'll be here for a while. Come take a look-see, he is absolutely divine, if you know what I mean."

Elf-babes he thought, why were they always drooling over him? Haldir went back to filling out his form. He was about half way down the first page when he heard the whispers.

"Do you think it really is Haldir?"

"Maybe it's one of his brothers."

"Nope, that's Haldir. I met him a year ago when I had to take that message from Gladdy out to the borders."

"Wait until I tell my sister in marketing. Can I use your phone to call her?"

"Check out that hair. Could you imagine running your fingers through that?"

"Or better yet, **pulling off his boot**s when he comes home after a day at work."

Oh, no, he thought, **helpless to prevent** their comments. He looked up at them. Well, that blond in the azure gown was pretty, but clearly no **innocent beauty**. He was toying with the idea of asking her if she wanted to come up to his flet sometime when a slamming door silenced all talk.

"What in Middle Earth is going on here?" Galadriel stormed into the room shouting. "Not one, not two, but all my handmaidens have gone AWOL!"

Haldir jumped to his feet, his forgotten application fluttering to the floor.

Out of the corner of her eye, Galadriel noticed the movement, "Oh, you. I should have known better. What are you wasting our time with now?"

"Wasting? Wasting?" he spluttered. "I am not wasting your time."

"Well, then. What exactly do you call last month's petition to 'Offer better movies at the Elvenplex 98?' Or how about the one before that about improving the food offered in the elf-a-teria?"

"Well, you have to admit lembasburgers six days a week does get a wee bit boring," he remarked peevishly. "A little more variety would be nice."

Galadriel waved her arms about but **could not help laughing** at his tone, "Ok, ok. Enough. And I do have to agree watching Glorfy saving Middle Earth yet again in 'Glorfindel MMCMXXIII' was getting a little old. So, what is it you want?"

"Well. I've been your faithful march warden for over 2000 years. I have protected the borders of our fair land, tirelessly sacrificing my personal life for the betterment of my fellow elves, endlessly patrolled…."

"All right already. I get your point," Galadriel stopped him in mid-sentence. "What is **the** **main purpose** of your visit this time?"

"A vacation," he answered simply, reaching down to pick up his partially completed vacation request form, holding it out for her inspection.

"What! A vacation?! Geez, last time I asked for a vacation Celeborn told me to go look in my magic puddle and pretend. Do you seriously expect a vacation?" Seeing he was not to be deterred, she continued. "Ok. Submit the form and I'll see what I can do. But can you hurry it up? You are distracting my handmaidens and disrupting work in this office."

"Can I help it that I am so totally gorgeous?" he flipped his hair and preened for the watching elf-babes.

"Oh. PUL-LEZZ. Haldir get serious," rolling her eyes she headed backed to Glóriel's desk. "When that one," she pointed back at Haldir, "finishes his form, could you expedite it up to me in my chambers?"

Glóriel, dumbstruck by the fact it was indeed the one and only Haldir sitting in her office, could only nod in agreement as Galadriel snapped her fingers and swept out of the room followed by her chastened handmaidens.

Haldir sat back down to complete the request. Once finished, he walked his it back up to Glóriel. "I think I filled in almost everything," He paused, a bit **reluctant to ask** the next question. Taking a deep breath, he burst forth with it. "But could you explain why they want to know who my date was to the senior prom at Galdhrim High?"

"Oh, that one, yeah. It is kinda dumb. Lord Celeborn was bored one day and decided to add more questions. That's one of them," she threw her arms up in despair and indicated the empty desk in front of her. "As if I don't have enough to do."

Quickly scanning his request, she made check marks in various spots and looked back to him. "Yep. It's complete. Now, have a seat. I'll send it up to Galadriel by ELF-XPRESS. I should have an answer back by… say next month."

"Next month?!" he replied incredulously as the pencil he still clutched in his hand **snapped like a twig**. "You call that express service?"

"Hey! Don't complain. Most of these guys have been sitting here for at least three hundred years," Gesturing towards a group of elderly elves she went on, "And that one," Pointing to **a pathetic figure**, "Has been here two ages. You're lucky Galadriel said to expedite it."

Resigned to the wait, Haldir decided to go to movies as he'd heard the latest Treebeard movie was out.

Back at Caras Galadhron, Galadriel received the application. Glancing through it, she mixed it in with a stack of other papers and approached Celeborn. "Hon, could you sign these please? You're getting a bit behind in paperwork. That Festival of the Elves was special, but we were gone so long that the requests have piled up."

Celeborn grabbed the stack of papers and sat down at his desk. "Work, work, work. That's all I do around here. And am I appreciated? NO," he grumbled as he started signing off on the various forms. Reaching Haldir's, he frowned. "Vacation? Who does this pompous, arrogant elf think he is?"

"But honey. He has been stuck on border patrol for eons. It does get kinda boring. Besides, he's distracting all my handmaidens. They are following him around the city while he waits and I can't get anything done. Just look at my hair, not to mention my nails," she wailed, holding out her hands for his inspection.

"Ok, ok. I guess I'll grant it **under the circumstances**. But where does he expect to go? Shelob has the pass through Cirith Ungol backed up again with that crazy tollbooth of hers. With Orthanc destroyed by the ents, Saruman's got Gríma Wormtongue looking for a new vacation site and Sauron's jacked the admission price to the Barad-dûr theme park 50. Who can afford those prices? It is **utterly impossible** to travel these days." 

"Hey. That's his problem. But I did hear Èomer is offering free pony rides with a seven-day stay at Edoras Hall. The recent Elf-Times listed a two for one special at Gimli's Glittering Caves too," she handed him the ad torn out of the paper. "Do you think we might get away for a quick weekend? I heard the spa is just out of this world, but the prices at the Helm's Deep Café are exorbitant, not to mention the food is undercooked."

Celeborn glanced at the advertisement. "Yeah, you gotta watch those dwarves. You think you're getting a bargain and they stick it to you in the end."

"Speaking of sticking it to you, you gorgeous hunk of elf, do you think we might… " Her eyes looked suggestively towards the royal bedroom, hoping to distract him enough so he would finish signing the forms.

A wicked grin crossed Celeborn's face. "Hmmm. **You flatter me** so darling, I think we can get a quickie in. Here, let me just sign this and get Haldir off my back so I can get you on yours"

Rolling her eyes, Galadriel handed the signed form back to the waiting elf from ELF-EXPRESS and started towards the bedroom muttering, "Men. They are sooo predictable. Well, that's at least one problem solved. Now I just have to endure his idea of a 'quickie'. What I do for my loyal elves. I am sooo not appreciated."

The form finally reached Glóriel's desk. Amazed that Celeborn had actually granted the request, she wondered what Galadriel had done to get it approved. Shrugging her shoulders, she picked up the microphone. "Paging March Warden Haldir. Paging March Warden Haldir. Please pick up a white courtesy phone or report to Human Resources for your message." She repeated the announcement twice before clicking the "off" button on the mike and went back to filing her nails.

Haldir was **waiting in the darkness **of the theater for the next feature film when he heard his name come over the intercom. Pulling his tunic on hurriedly, he raced back to Human Resources and approached Glóriel's desk. "Hey! I just heard my name being paged over the intercom. Do you have an answer to my request?"

Glóriel set her nail file down and looked up at him. "Wow! You must have some friends in high places. That is the fastest turn-around on a vacation request I have ever seen." She scanned through his form. "Yes. You have been approved for a three-month vacation. Just sign on this line, I'll give you back your copy and you are free to leave for your vacation destination."

Haldir signed where he was asked, watched as Glóriel separated the forms and handed him back his copy. "Great! A three month vacation," A frown crossed his finely etched features. "Do you have any ideas where I might go?"

Glóriel shrugged. "Beats me. But I did overhear Arwen talking about Círdan opening up a new cruise line down in the Grey Havens," she gestured towards a table overflowing with flyers. "I think she might have even put some brochures over there."

"Thanks," he tossed over his shoulder as he walked over to look through the brochures. **Searching the contents **of the rack, he inspected one after another until he finally found the one about the cruise.

_**Grey Havens Cruise Line**_

_**Announcing Our New Service!**_

_**Spend your next vacation with us cruising to exotic tropical ports of call. Our meal inclusive cruises on board our spacious new ship 'The Lúthien Star' with five star accommodations guarantee you the most luxurious vacation you have ever had. **_

_**Special two-, three- and five-week packages available. **_

_**Call today to reserve your cabin. These popular cruises will book fast. Don't hesitate to ensure your trip to paradise.**_

Looking up, he saw a pay phone hanging on the wall. Picking up the receiver, he heard a dial tone and punched in the numbers for Grey Havens Cruise Lines. A voice directed him to "Please deposit 50 cents for the first three minutes." Fumbling through his pockets, he finally found the correct change and inserted it in the coin slot and heard his call go through.

Círdan's pale buttocks rose and fell rhythmically as he pounded into the elf-babe on his bed. Her blond tresses trailed over the sheets and an expression of joyous ecstasy was pasted on her face. The ringing of his phone penetrated his mind as he finished his penetration. Groping for the phone, he knocked the receiver off the hook and a loud thunk could be heard as it fell to the floor. Finally finding it, he brought it up to his face and shouted "Whaddaya want?"

Startled at the greeting, Haldir began to apologize. "I'm sorry. I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Grey Haven Cruise Lines."

Círdan's eyes flew open. A real customer! His first one, he couldn't let this sucker get away. "Oh, my fault. I was in the middle of an important meeting and you caught me off-guard. This is Círdan, owner and operator of Grey Haven Cruise Lines. How can I assist you?"

Placing his palm over the receiver, he watched as the blond elf-babe he had just finish with picked up her robe and headed towards the door. "Tell the brunette she's next when I finish with this phone call."

"Will do Cirdy-poo," she turned her back to him replacing the fake expression with one of total boredom as she finished tidying up and dropped the towel to the floor. Tugging her robe on, she exited his bedroom, closing the door behind her. "His royal studliness wants you after he finishes with this phone call" she informed the brunette who was waiting her turn.

"How was he this time?"

"Don't ask. He thinks he's the Valar's gift to elf-kind. Doesn't he know how small he is?" She giggled as she secured the robe tightly around her waist.

Haldir heard some muffled voices through the phone line. "There seems to be some static on this line. I said, I was interested in booking a three-week cruise. Do you still have cabins available?"

Círdan removed his hand from the phone, "Sorry about that. Have to get the technicians to look into that. We've been experiencing some telephone difficulties since we opened up. So, you want to book a three-week cruise, eh? Let me check to see if we have some space." He rifled through some blank papers, "Hmm, deck four is booked completely with trolls and I see the Mirkwood party has reserved the Acapulco deck. I've got a group of dwarves from Khazhad-dûm all set for the Lido deck, but I might be able to squeeze you into the Gondorian suite. Did you want to reserve that today?"

Haldir gulped in surprise. It sounded like the cruise was almost completely booked. 'Uh, yes. Do you take 'Master Elf' cards?"

"Yes, most certainly."

Pulling out his wallet, Haldir thumbed through his credit cards until he found his 'Master Elf' one. "Got it. Here's my number. It's 5200 3890 3927 2388, expiration 06/06 Fourth Age."

"And the name on your credit card?"

"That's Haldir, spelled with an 'i'."

"Okey, dokey, Mr. Haldir. We've gotcha all set. We depart the Grey Havens at noon Friday. Do bring along a formal dinner tux for the captain's extravaganza, otherwise dress is casual. Your confirmation number is," he thought for a moment, this was his first booking, had to think of something plausible. He **had no intention of losing** this booking. Finally he tossed out, "Uh, A34-C62. Got it?"

Haldir scribbled the number down on his vacation request. "Got it. Thanks."

Círdan was suddenly struck with an inspiration. His motel was woefully under booked. Maybe he could con this elf into staying there a few days too. "Do you need a room for Thursday night? We have a special deal with the Grey Haven Inn for our passengers."

"Uh, yeah. I'll be able to make it by Thursday. Do you have any harbor-view rooms left?"

"Let me check." Círdan paused, pretending to check the register. "Nope. Looks like they are all sold out, but I can still get you a garden view real cheap. Do you want that?"

"Sure. What time is check-in?"

"You can check-in as early as 1:00 p.m. There are two pools open until midnight. You don't want miss the show playing in the theater, The Orc Follies. It's been held over for two ages. I'll include a free ticket to that for you. Your packet will be waiting for you at the front desk. Oh, and don't forget to tell them you are booked for the Friday departure. The concierge will transfer your luggage directly to your cabin aboard the 'Lúthien Star' and save you the hassle of dragging it along. Just have it in the hallway before breakfast. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No. That sounds like everything. I can't wait. This is my first vacation. I'll hurry back and pack my bags. See ya Thursday," Haldir hung up the phone.

"Thanks for the suggestion Glóriel," he headed for the exit. "I'm booked for the cruise this weekend!"

Glóriel looked up from her desk. "Sure. Don't forget to bring me back a souvenir," she shouted to the departing figure although it didn't **seem very likely** that he had heard her request.

Mounting his golden stallion, he galloped back to the borders. Hopping off, he climbed up into his flet to find Rûmil and Orophin poking through his underwear drawer.

"Hey! Get out of that. I thought I left you in charge of guarding our borders."

"We were just taking a break. Back so soon? Bet they didn't give you a vacation, huh?" Orophin snorted.

"Well, you are just wrong. I've got three month vacation approved by Lord Celeborn." Haldir held out the approved vacation request proudly. "I went ahead and booked a cruise on that new Grey Haven cruise line to start my trip. Now, if you'll just get out of here, I'm gonna pack my bags and get on my way," he shoved his brothers out the door and locked it.

Leaning against the door he sighed. "They are so going to screw up my border patrol schedule. Oh, well. I'll deal with it when I get back," shaking his head, he riffled through his closet, finally finding his suitcase. Tossing it onto the bed he started to think. This going on a vacation was **a** **peculiar experience. **He wasn't sure what to pack.

Starting with the closet, he selected his "Finding Treebeard" pajamas. Grinning as he remembered that movie, he tossed those in along with a pair of pink fuzzy orc slippers. A few tunics, some leggings and an extra pair of boots were added next.

Wandering into the bathroom, he picked up his whitening toothpaste, pausing to check his teeth. Then a sterling silver comb, some hair ribbons and his Noxzema face cream completed his toiletry.

As he started towards the door he paused, seeing his old Tom Bombadil doll sitting on his bed. Grabbing it, he stuffed it into the bag and headed out.

Whistling for his stallion, he strapped the suitcase on and prepared to mount. Looking at his brothers he sighed. "Now, remember. You two are in charge until I get back. Don't screw up anything while I'm gone,"

The pair simply laughed.

"I mean it! This is my first vacation and I do not want to return to utter chaos."

"Trust us, brother dear," They replied in unison.

Groaning, he swung aboard the steed and set off on his trip.


End file.
